How's Your 401-Keg?

As the economy continues to remain uncertain, many of us have seen or heard about retirement or investment accounts take nosedives. Does that mean taking a different approach to investing? Well, yes according to this piece I received yesterday:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you will have received $214.00 in cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. I'll call it the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, an Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Glossary of Financial Terms at Crisis Times

Got this from a friend this morning. An apt attempt at humor at a time when one of the few joys that we have is to laugh at the way things are, rather than lament at how things could or should be. The current financial crisis has indeed started to cause pain and uncertainty among a lot of us. Let's just hope that we get to the bottom of this (pun intended) soon.

Financial Crisis Glossary

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker
What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor
Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit
Archaic word; no longer in use.