Idiot Sightings

I got this in my inbox the other day. It's a compilation of peoples recollections of somewhat stupid situations that were not all that bad because they were so hilarious!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

Top 15 Barack Obama Inspired Nicknames

The election of Barack Obama was a historic event. But I've seen people take a lighter approach and come up with variations of his name. Looks like we'll soon begin to see people getting nicknames that sound like the soon-to-be president.

1. Someone who is very negative – NoBama
2. Someone who doesn’t care – So!Bama
3. Someone who is always surprised – Oh!Bama
4. Someone always on the move – GoBama
5. Someone who knows everything – KnowBama
6. Someone who just can’t move fast – SlowBama
7. Someone who likes trimming the lawn – MowBama
8. Someone who always parks illegally – TowBama
9. Someone who harbors enmity – FoeBama
10. Someone who likes canoeing – RowBama
11. Someone who likes to alter clothes – SewBama
12. Someone who likes to bake breads - DoughBama
13. Sarah Palin’s average American – JoeBama
14. Alanzo Mourning’s Fan – ZoBama
15. Santa’s Fan – Ho Ho HoBama

How's Your 401-Keg?

As the economy continues to remain uncertain, many of us have seen or heard about retirement or investment accounts take nosedives. Does that mean taking a different approach to investing? Well, yes according to this piece I received yesterday:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you will have received $214.00 in cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. I'll call it the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, an Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Glossary of Financial Terms at Crisis Times

Got this from a friend this morning. An apt attempt at humor at a time when one of the few joys that we have is to laugh at the way things are, rather than lament at how things could or should be. The current financial crisis has indeed started to cause pain and uncertainty among a lot of us. Let's just hope that we get to the bottom of this (pun intended) soon.

Financial Crisis Glossary

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker
What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor
Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit
Archaic word; no longer in use.

Top 8 Morons of the Year

Apparently taken from real news reporting. It's really hard to understand what people are thinking sometimes.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Kids' Companies

I read this on the internet last night. Pretty funny, I thought...

Harry was sitting in the waiting room after his wife had gone into labor. A nurse walked out and said to the man next to Harry, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

In apparent delight, the man replied, "Great! How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company," and followed the nursen to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and proclaimed, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman sitting next to Harry then got up and started to leave. Curious, Harry aked him why he was leaving.

With a sad face and nervous voice the man remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-UP."

Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge - A Man of Few Words

Calvin Coolidge was the 30th president of the United States. He was (and still is) the only President to be born on July 4. For most part, Coolidge, often referred to as "Silent Cal" was a skilled public speaker, but in private, he was a man of a few words. I read about this incident a long time ago and have always found it funny.

During a state dinner, Dorothy Parker, a reporter with the New Yorker was sitting next to President Coolidge. “Mr President," she said, "I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

Ever so calmly, the president replied, “you lose.”