Top 15 Barack Obama Inspired Nicknames

The election of Barack Obama was a historic event. But I've seen people take a lighter approach and come up with variations of his name. Looks like we'll soon begin to see people getting nicknames that sound like the soon-to-be president.

1. Someone who is very negative – NoBama
2. Someone who doesn’t care – So!Bama
3. Someone who is always surprised – Oh!Bama
4. Someone always on the move – GoBama
5. Someone who knows everything – KnowBama
6. Someone who just can’t move fast – SlowBama
7. Someone who likes trimming the lawn – MowBama
8. Someone who always parks illegally – TowBama
9. Someone who harbors enmity – FoeBama
10. Someone who likes canoeing – RowBama
11. Someone who likes to alter clothes – SewBama
12. Someone who likes to bake breads - DoughBama
13. Sarah Palin’s average American – JoeBama
14. Alanzo Mourning’s Fan – ZoBama
15. Santa’s Fan – Ho Ho HoBama

How's Your 401-Keg?

As the economy continues to remain uncertain, many of us have seen or heard about retirement or investment accounts take nosedives. Does that mean taking a different approach to investing? Well, yes according to this piece I received yesterday:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you will have received $214.00 in cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. I'll call it the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, an Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Glossary of Financial Terms at Crisis Times

Got this from a friend this morning. An apt attempt at humor at a time when one of the few joys that we have is to laugh at the way things are, rather than lament at how things could or should be. The current financial crisis has indeed started to cause pain and uncertainty among a lot of us. Let's just hope that we get to the bottom of this (pun intended) soon.

Financial Crisis Glossary

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker
What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor
Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit
Archaic word; no longer in use.

Top 8 Morons of the Year

Apparently taken from real news reporting. It's really hard to understand what people are thinking sometimes.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Kids' Companies

I read this on the internet last night. Pretty funny, I thought...

Harry was sitting in the waiting room after his wife had gone into labor. A nurse walked out and said to the man next to Harry, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

In apparent delight, the man replied, "Great! How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company," and followed the nursen to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and proclaimed, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman sitting next to Harry then got up and started to leave. Curious, Harry aked him why he was leaving.

With a sad face and nervous voice the man remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-UP."

Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge - A Man of Few Words

Calvin Coolidge was the 30th president of the United States. He was (and still is) the only President to be born on July 4. For most part, Coolidge, often referred to as "Silent Cal" was a skilled public speaker, but in private, he was a man of a few words. I read about this incident a long time ago and have always found it funny.

During a state dinner, Dorothy Parker, a reporter with the New Yorker was sitting next to President Coolidge. “Mr President," she said, "I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

Ever so calmly, the president replied, “you lose.”

Pearly Gates - The Minister and the NYC Taxi Driver

I got this on via email a few years ago. I was sifting through my emails this morning when I came across this one. It's got a nice angle on taxi drivers of New York City.

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, from Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line.

Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

Australian Bricklayer's Freak Accident

This one was very funny. It’s supposed to be a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian Workers' Compensation Board. Supposedly a true story. Had the guy died, he’d surely have made it to the Darwin Awards…

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben
Democratic Brick Layers Union Local 1169

Amusing Tales? What Amusing Tales?

I had a revelation last night! Granted, it was nothing that a lot of people must have thought before me, but I just thought about it last night. Almost everyday, I get at least one joke or funny anecdote or other amusing tales in my inbox. Some are really funny, while others end up being a waste of time.

So I thought, why don't I create a blog and post all the amusing tales I get? Over time, it may make a good read. I am not a comedian, but I do like to laugh over funny stories or jokes. I have a feeling that I am not unique in that.

My plan (or goal) is to regularly post some of the better jokes, stories (Amusing Tales, remember!) and, perhaps, even videos so that people who find this blog will get a good laugh. After all, they say that laughter is the best medicine of all!